


My Brother's Best Mate

by a_cruel_cruel_girl



Category: Arctic Monkeys, Last Shadow Puppets
Genre: Best Friends, Cute, Fluff, Gay, Jamie is Alex's brother, M/M, Miles is Jamies mate, No band, School, brother best friend au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-03 22:58:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11542179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_cruel_cruel_girl/pseuds/a_cruel_cruel_girl
Summary: Jamie, Alex's brother becomes best mates with Miles Kane. Slowly throughout the years both Miles Alex become friends then boyfriends.Jamie is 13 when he meets Miles and instantly takes a liking, soon after introducing him to his family which begins a friendship between the two family's causing them to spend birthdays, Christmas's and many celebrations together. Alex who is shy and introverted makes a friendship with Miles who is two years older, but Alex doesn't see Miles as family despite how close they are.A story about Miles and Alex falling for each other over 5 years of growing up together.//WILL BE ADDING MORE//





	1. Chapter 1

Miles Kane.

My crush slowly unravelled from the first time I met him, I met Miles when I was 11, he came home one day with my brother. He was lean, with shaggy hair, he used to shake his head slightly, jutting the long locks out of his soft eyes. Making me want to grow mine out however I surpassed the length of his hair and kept growing it until the dark brown wisps framed my structured face. 

I remember when my brother brought him home, they’d met a couple weeks before and admittedly Jamie, my brother, had continuously raved about Miles. I’d begun to think he had a crush on him himself but I think Jamie just happened to look up to Miles. Jamie and me had never been successful with having lots of friends, often being cast aside as we were both less talkative than usual. I think Miles managed to fill the silenced gaps and brought Jamie into a group of friends who wouldn’t leave him behind and they all just seemed to click.

Jamie had unlocked the door, the key turning making a creaking noise alerting me to him and his guest. As Jamie walked in, moving backwards facing Miles he spoke outwards sarcastically “Welcome to my humble abode” He then proceeded to face the stairs and call to me, “Al I’m home.” As I had not yet seen Miles I didn’t bother eavesdropping to find out if Miles asked about who I was or anything like that but as soon as I met him, I made it my business to know if I was ever brought up in conversation. When Jamie called down to me, I’d walked slowly down the carpeted stairs not wanting to eat with the boys, my social anxiety fueling me to stay by myself as usual. I entered the dull kitchen.

The cream wallpaper had begun to pull slightly around the edges, and the kitchen appliances were rustic with dirt and stains, Our kitchen looked lived in and loved, to me anyway probably looked disgusting to anyone else, but Miles didn’t seem to mind. Miles was leaning against the counter humming a song. He looked amazing. I’d bitten straight through my lip as I’d joined them in the kitchen, nerves filling me however when I went into the room Miles had smiled at me and said “You must be Alex. Jamie’s told me a lot about you.” He genuinely seemed nice and had continued to ask me whether I wanted to eat dinner with them “cos they were gonna watch Monty Python.” I’d graciously nodded and agreed as Jamie handed me a plate of steaming hot food. With Jamie’s spare hand he’d pushed his fingers into my hair shaking it around intense with brotherly love. Probably happy I wasn’t going to box myself away. 

I’d sat on the soft plush sofa with Miles across from me on the same black couch, Jamie had sat on the other seat after he’d pushed the DVD in. That was when Miles became my friend too although we didn’t go to school together, when I did begin at Secondary School that following September Miles always kept an eye out for me. Miles had been coming around all summer, he was in his break between year 8 and 9. He’d escaped doing his homework and practically started living with us. My whole family was at ease with him by the start of September, I think mum was secretly planning on giving him a key because of how much she loved him. He always offered to help clean up and even cook meals for us with Jamie. 

The night before the first day of secondary school Miles had been staying around as school didn’t continue until the day after for him. My first day being a introduction with only year 7’s and 6th form. By this time Miles had been around for about 2 months so had picked up on the anxiety and general scared aura I had going on. He came and sat on my bed as I double checked I had everything in my backpack. Jamie was helping mom clean up, “You’ll be okay y’know” Miles had told ,me, his liverpool accent slipping deep into my bones as I hoped what he was saying was true. “You know I don’t,make friends easily, what If no one likes me?” I’d asked in return.

“I really doubt it, but if you feel too scared or alone or even if you just want to see us, you can come and find me and Jamie.” His friendship had really filled me with reassurance. I’d nodded and continued to check what was in my bag, he sat in silence on the bed occasionally exchanging smiles with me until Jamie called him. 

-  
It was safe to say I didn’t made a lot of friends in school, the first year I’d kept to myself spending most days with Miles and my brother but after year 7 I eventually ended up feeling bad for Jamie knowing it wasn't very cool that I was hanging out with them, I didn’t cut myself off completely but I don’t hang out everyday. It’s not like I got bullied either, I just had a lack of friends so ended up sitting on the lunch benches with my cling filmed sandwiches and and apple. This happened until about halfway through year 8. One day Miles spotted me and asked where my friends were, presuming he’d stick around for only 5 minutes I told him that they’d be there in a couple minutes.

After spending all lunch chatting with him, he asked me where they were and I’d just shrugged, this lead to every so often Miles would come and eat lunch with me. Just me and him chatting for 45 minutes. At first I thought he may of done it because he pitied me but between the summer of year 8 and 9 I decided he probably did actually see me as a friend because that summer me, him and Jamie spent a lot of time hanging out around Sheffield to the point where I ended up just hanging out with all their friend and sort of became an adopted friend in the group. They were all about to enter year 11 and I was going to to enter year 9 but they still acted as if I was there age. I was 13, due to be 14 in January and they were all 15, Miles to be 16 in March. Hanging out with older boys probably matured me slightly as I ended up going to all of their parties which no one in my year got to go to. Which gained me respect but also isolated me more. 

I remember this one party where I’d ended up looking after Jamie, this happened to be a reoccurring theme at parties since none of the boys let me get anything more than a bit drunk knowing the parties were filled with older boys and girls that wouldn’t look after me. I’d been holding Jamie's hair back for a while when the host came and spoke to me, he helped me lay jamie in his brothers room, “Sorry, I’ll come get him in a bit, I’ll just let him lie down for a bit.” The host was too drunk to care and just shrugged before turning around and stalking off. 

I’d walked downstairs grabbing a drink while shaking my head laughing at Matt dancing wildly while trying to impress a girl. A hand made it's way onto my head shaking my hair. When I turned around, I found a drunk Miles pouting at me, instantly making me smile, “You know I hate that” I’d told him but he’d just winked back at me making me shift my weight across my feet nervously, “Come for a smoke with me laa?” I’d simply nodded at him and then let him drag me across the house to the back door. 

“How are you Al?” He said mouth wrapped around the cigarette as he tried to light it drunkenly. He suddenly flinched and swore from burning his hand. I grabbed around his skinny wrist dragging him closer to me, “Come here you oaf.” I’d exclaimed while snatching the sleek lighter out of his trembling fingers. I lit the end of tobacco stick while giggling at him. “ You have to help me get Jamie back” I told him which made Miles groan loudly “Has he been vomming again?” before continuing “He always does this, doesn't know his damn limit.” 

I laughed remembering the horrendous amount of memories of Jamie throwing up, one being him throwing up all over Mine and Miles’ feet. “Yeah almost like I can drink more than him at this point.” I’d said jokingly as I’d obviously never thrown up from drinking, however I’d also never drank a lot. “I’ll strike you a deal” Miles said to my raising his eyebrow. “Sure, what?” I’d responded after a couple seconds of hesitation. “My first drink was when Matt and Jamie took me out on my 14th birthday, In January for your birthday we can go out for an actual drink and we’ll, well I will let you actually get drunk and then maybe when you're a bit older I’ll let you try and outdrink me.”

I’d bitten my lip, looked down shyly and laughed agreeing with his deal.

-

That christmas I wanted to get Miles a really good present so I’d spent the entirety of November and December trying to come up with something. I’d eventually decided on two vinyls and I’d managed to get Jamie and my parents along with Miles’ parents to put in money to get a record player. I didn’t actually need to get him Vinyl’s I hadn't even told Jamie I’d got him something more but I wanted to give him a little extra. 

When him and his family had come round on christmas day, I’d told him quietly that I’d got him another present but it’d have to wait, he surprised me by telling me he’d also got me something extra as well as something with Jamie. Miles looked incredibly happy when he opened the vinyl player, it was an expensive branded one that had a quality sound system, his parents had told him it had cost a lot so not to expect anything big for his birthday but Miles had smiled and told everyone that he wouldn’t expect anything again because of how nice and thoughtful the gift was. 

Arrogantly later in the evening I’d told him that the idea had come from a conversation we’d had over the year in our lunch meetings as we’d spoken about how nice coloured vinyl’s look but it was sad to buy them without being able to listen to them. I told him that I’d told Jamie and Jamie managed to get our families involved to get him a nice one. Jamie was on the phone to his girlfriend of 2 months and all the parents were having a drink downstairs. Me and Miles were sat on my black quilt, the walls of my room lit by the fairy lights in my room. 

“So this kinda follows that little story” I said to him after I’d explained about the record player. They weren’t very inconspicuous as you could clearly tell they were vinyls especially with the my explanation but Miles was still surprised,and shocked I’d put so much thought in, but giddily smiling as he opened them. He’d pulled me into a tight hug and laughed loudly thanking me, telling me this was the best christmas he’d ever had. He dragged me down so my head was resting on his lap. I looked up at him laughing loudly too. 

The moment was carved into my head, the memory of seeing him laugh so loud and happily pooled into my gut and made the fire in my heart flame up. Miles had given me a series of books and poetry that Chirstmas knowing how much I loved my words and stories. I still have them, they’d gained dust but I still read them occasionally knowing that christmas had made me insanely happy. The feeling and imagery of Miles pitying me falling away finally and forever as I realised we were really friends. 

The only other thing that evening that made it better is when Miles hugged me when he was saying goodbye he’d whispered in my ear “Don’t tell Jamie but you're my best mate.” He’d winked and then turned around leaving with his parents. 

-  
On New Years he’d kissed my cheek at midnight as neither of us had someone to kiss as we looked across at both Jamie and Matt as they snogged their girlfriends, both of us turning our nose up at them and laughing madly and slightly drunkenly. That was another moment that’d been engraved in my brain for years because that was the first time I wished I could kiss Miles. 

He smiled wildly at me, a glint in his eye as both Matt and Jamie's girls drunkenly shouted down from 5, both Jamie and Matt to preoccupied at looking “lovingly” at their drunk hot girlfriends, I wasn’t sure how either of them had managed to get either hot bird as both of them were immature assholes but hopefully that meant someone would be attracted to me by the time I reached their age. And what happened next sort of shook me, as a 13 year old being kissed on the cheek was quite a nerve wracking and shock inducing thing to happen. Miles pressed his pink soft lips sodden with booze and shots against my cheek, as soon as he pulled away I turned to face him laughing with him as he pulled me to her chest with his warm long arms. 

“Ugh they're so gross” Miles had laughed out as he shot looks at both the other boys and their birds, we’d madly danced and fucked around after that, the tipsy, slightly drunk line being crossed as we danced to Bowie and the Beatles. 

Miles kept his word and let me get smashed on the night of my birthday although i’d already gotten quite drunk on New years and so had he, my birthday still felt like the first time I’d gotten actually hammered though. At 10:30 we’d snuck out of the house giggling quietly and trekked our ways to the cold sodden park. We’d sat on the slightly damp ground while doing shots of glenn's vodka chased with cans of Coke, Music wrung out from our phones as we chatted until 4am. They showed me in detail some drinking games one of them ring of fire. I’d seen the kids at parties playing it but I’d never been allowed as a 13 year old to play, none of the kids would of let me anyway even If Miles, Matt and Jamie hadn’t stopped me. 

We played Ring of fire and then we attempted to play a game of strip poker but was stopped when we realised we didn’t know how to, at least not in the drunken state we were in, but even sober I’m sure we would of struggled, In the end we ended up playing a simple card game but managed to work it that we had to drink or strip a layer of clothing. It ended at 4am when all 3 of us were completely smashed my admittedly me more than them and all 3 of us nearly naked with all of us in only our boxers accept from Miles who had one sock on. We eventually walked back sluggishly. 

Jamie was taking what seemed like hours in the bathroom so me and Miles were talking quietly in my room, “14 eh? You big boy” Miles said sarcastically leaning against my forehead, I laughed with him as we continued to talk between us until we heard the clanging of the bathroom door unlocking. Miles looked at me as we’d briefly turned to the door at the abrupt noise. He looked at me in the eyes and pulled me into a hug, he kissed my forehead, lingering for a couple seconds, then said “Happy Birthday Al” before turning and to help Jamie to bed. 

That night I may of wanked, the image of a near naked Miles, who had been so close, who had then proceeded to kiss, my forehead, fuelling my imagination. It didn’t end there as I proceeded through puberty all I could think about was Miles and it didn’t help that it was now a pretty normal thing for him to kiss my forehead or hand or cheek as a sign of affection. Throughout year 9 I hung out with all of them, no longer feeling like I was embarrassing Jamie, this meant I got less one on one time with Miles however we did sneak off a couple times and hang just the two of us at lunch, this developed so much so that we hung out outside of school just the two of us but only a couple times, usually when Jamie was busy but it still gave me a sense of Miles being my friend for me and not just friends because I was Jamie's brother.   
\--  
On Miles’ birthday we went to a pub with her parents and they brought us a meal and some drinks which lead to us having a few drinks back at Mine and Jamie's and getting smashed all over again. We got everyone to come around as It was there last school year in school before 6th form when half of them would be leaving, although most of them were still undecided. 

Both me and Miles were leaning on each other as we played beer pong against Nick and some kid called George. We kept bumping hips and laughing at each other drunkenly. George called at us “Oi lovebirds, your go.” Miles too drunk from all the beer and vodka he’d consumed laughed at his comment and pulled me closer with his arm around my hip as he shot the ball across the table. When it was my turn he leant his head on my shoulders while rubbing circles on my back with his fingers. I drunkenly didn’t notice how affectionate we were and didn’t care. Later on in the evening something similar happened, someone called us “homo’s” jokingly as I sat on Miles’ lap as Matt told us a story on the sofa. Miles’ arm once again planted around me wrapping me up. I had started shivering as the beer blanket I’d been wearing all evening began to wear out, the back door being open all evening so that people could go and smoke. “I know it’s your house and that but can i be a gentleman and give me your jacket.” Miles said drunkenly. I giggled “Do you mean ‘Give you my jacket?’” Miles burst out laughing and then asked if I did want it.

I nodded shyly at him, plucking it from his arms as he passed it me. He pulled the massive jumper over my head letting my small head get popped out the neckline which again made him burst in laughter as I tugged the sides of the jumper around me. 

And that's the story of how I ended up keeping Miles’ jumper.   
\--

 

“Have you ever smoked Al?” Asked Miles although he already knew I had not, I shrugged “naw” “I shouldn’t really let ya, cos you're only 14 but you're a big boy I’m sure you can handle it” 

That's the story of how I first smoked, Miles laughed for hours maybe even days because as Miles told me to inhale I practically sucked in half the cigarette, sucking instead of inhaling, he laughed and laughed at how stupid I was. I was so embarrassed, I stood their with this pink shade covering me for almost a week and no one could figure out why. But when Miles came round for a meal one night, Jamie snapped and demanded he knew what had happened. 

Miles tried to almost mime what had happened as he laughed however Jamie didn’t understand but eventually after about 10 minutes of Miles practically rolling around on the floor giggling he explained. Jamie immediately laughed too although glared at Miles slightly for getting me to smoke although Miles repeated what I’d said to him after the accident which was “Well I’m put off by cigarettes now” and so explained that he won’t have to worry about me smoking. 

Although I’d been brazenly pink all week I was bright red now, rigid in my seat, losing breath, I stood up quickly, too embarrassed to stick around for more laughter, I’d gone upstairs to try and distract myself from the laughter however after awhile of playing on my computer I was just sat their staring at the screen thinking about Miles and how much of an idiot I’d looked, I was fine with him laughing at me. I knew it was light hearted but It was so embarrassing having him tell Jamie and then to have both of them laugh at me. Jamie would tell Matt and Nick and they’d all be laughing on monday.

As I stared at the decadent screen a voice from behind made me jump, “You just gonna stare at the screen then.” I turned and looked at Miles hovering in the doorway, again I felt warmth in my skin as Miles stepped closer towards me, he knelt in front of me his hair falling in his eyes, “Don’t be embarrassed love.” 

I screwed up my face slightly before saying “I'm not embarrassed” even though I knew it was plainly obviously. He coughed “Of course not” before grinning and pulling me into a hug. I sigh sarcastically pretending to huff in annoyance before pulling him closer with my arm wrapped around him in an embrace. “I really am sorry, I didn’t mean to offend ya.” Miles whispered in my ear before nestling his face in the crook of my shoulder. We stay like that for a while before Jamie is calling for us to play video games. Miles kisses the side of my neck before pulling back and eyeing me. 

I can feel the bronzy glow still radiating off me embarrased by an entirely different thing now but I let him pull me along by his hand into the living room to play games with Jamie. 

-

By Christmas we were even closer, I was now in year 10, due to be 15 in January, And all the others were in the first year of 6th form, Matt had left to go to college and some of the others had dispersed but both Miles and Jamie stayed at our school. A reason we’d gotten closer was that I’d chosen my GCSE’s and so Miles helped me with work sometimes, he’d come with his work and we’d sit in my room while Jamie was out with his newest girlfriend. 

It made me realize in all this time neither me and Miles had had girlfriends, it also reminded me why I liked Miles, spending this much time with him was the best and one day when everyone was out I’d asked him about it. 

Cuddled up in the jacket Miles gave me at his birthday I smiled at the memory and then remembered the affections of the evening before asking him. “Miles….” He’d looked at me mildly concerned that I’d trailed off. “Yeah Al?” “How come you haven't had a gal like Matt, Nick or my brother.” He sighed then looked up at me, “I've been thinking about it recently actually” He looks down and then takes a breath in turning around to face me instead of the large window. 

“Basically I’ve never even looked at girls, not really anyway and then I kinda realised guys were a thing and guess I'm gay or something Al” He says to me making eye contact. I smile at him and say “Okay” “I think maybe I am too..or something” I say back imitating him, rolling my eyes as I say “Or Something” 

I get off of the bed and sit next to him bashing our shoulders together. “You excited for christmas?” “Hell yeah, although it won’t beat last christmas, plus I have another extra present for you.”

“Good cos I have one for you too”


	2. Tea and Toast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> //will be adding more//

When Miles came round that christmas, he hugged me first instead of Jamie and maybe that was something very small and insignificant but it fuelled me with a little bit of hope. Ever since we’d admitted to both being gay we had come considerably closer. He’d pulled me tight and close and whispered in my ear about how he was excited for not only his present to me but also another surprise. I’d looked at him confused and bewildered at what on earth he could be up to but his facial expression hindered no clue. 

The tall lanky haired man had marched passed me then to Jamie as I stare at him longingly as he walks away. His shirt being a loud clashing pattern that somehow suited him and his frame. His fashion since he’d started 6th form could be called something of the questionable sense however I think it fitted him perfectly, the oddly patterned and coloured items of clothing looked dashing on him. 

Mi sat across from me over christmas dinner, we’d kept kicking each other. I’d tried to hide the sniggering, with licking lips and blinking lids however Jamie kept raising his eyebrows at the both of us throughout the afternoon. By the end of it I was sure my shins would be tattooed with black and blue marks but they were left with love so I wasn’t too bothered. Jamie asked what on earth we had been doing and me and Miles had only replied with howls of laughter, too giddy to answer my poor confused brother. It’s absurd but maybe he should of seen it coming because from then on we only got more affectionate and precedingly more flirty.  
By this point, Jamie had gotten the point that we needed our space for mine and Mi’s weird little friendship and this year he had no girlfriend to call so he gave us the excuse of helping the adults clean up downstairs even though we knew he’d just sit on his phone for an hour before he came back to bother us. 

Miles was about to pull me up into my room however he paused and told me to grab the new guitar I had opened. The box it had come in was labeled from my family and Miles’ but was in fact written out with Mi’s messy handwriting letting me know he was the sole cause of the present. I had it in my left hand as Miles’ pulled me to my room by my right hand. My fingers clasped around his almost desperately. Miles sat me down the bed and told me in a far too cocky toned voice that it was his idea to get me the guitar, only confirming my suspicions. 

I laughed at him and pulled him down tickling at his thin torso, our laughs echoed throughout the room and only once that we’d calmed down did I thank him for being such an amazing friend, knowing I had wanted a guitar, one on the mainy things we’d discussed over our private lunches tighter. Miles pulled his head out of my lap and told me he had another present for me. I cocked my head to the side not seeing him carrying any packages. 

His eyes met mine and he glanced down his nose at me, “Well?” I asked laughing at the teenager. Miles pulled a snarky smile and then a smirk before pulling my brand new guitar out of its case.

“I tuned it and everything, just so I could play this for you.” “Sorry it’s a bit sappy” He’d added in an almost whisper before striking down on a couple chords trying to find his place. 

Hold me close and hold me fast  
This magic spell you cast  
This is la vie en rose

When you kiss me heaven sighs  
And though I close my eyes  
I see la vie en rose.

When you press me to your heart  
I'm in a world apart  
A world where roses bloom

And when you speak, angels sing from above  
Everyday words seem to turn into love songs

Give your heart and soul to me  
And life will always be la vie en rose.

Miles raised his eyes up to mine after he played the last stroke of the soft almost lullaby song. I was just sat in silence, words wouldn’t come to my mouth, they were choked up in my throat as I bit my lip hoping to cover my stammering. “Thank you Mi” I said in an almost whisper not wanting to break the precious silence. We stared at eachother, longingness clouded my vision as i viewed him. 

Eventually the stare was broken by Mi looking back down at the guitar and ,making a move to put it back in the hard black case, the silver accents mirroring his movement in the low light of my room. I pulled Mi’s spare hand as he pushed the guitar into his case, his head jerked towards me as I pulled him down onto my lap leaving the case open. My fingers splayed through his hair as I played with his brown locks, I pulled one hand away and wrapped it around a card that was lying under my pillow. 

The green envelope stood bright against the darkish room as I passed it to the boy in my lap. Instantly Miles fingers reached up making grabbing motions like he was a little toddler. “What’s the magic word?” I asked him in a soft voice however I still managed to convey the sarcasticness of the words. “Please” Miles said to me once again letting his warm eyed meet my doe mocha eyes. “Only cos it’s you” I tell him back, reassuring him that he was the best, the best for me. 

Mi slowly pulled opened the card to reveal a small piece of card which fell down onto his lean belly which was now poking out from under his shirt that had been pulled up as he leant onto my lap. The Small sliver of skin caught the mysterious piece of paper until Mi picked it up and read it. “Al you didn’t” He said excitement undertoning his voice. “Of course I did, ya mong” I announced, now unable to cover my smile, as the grin covered my face at the sight of miles being so profoundly happy. His present was a ticket for him and me to see a band 

“Wait Al this is on your birthday” Miles interrupted suddenly worried about me not being able to come with him. I shrugged “Guess I’ll have to spend my birthday with you”

\--

I turned 15, but instead of staring at the stage, I was staring at Miles, maybe a little bit cliche but his smile was well worth it. This grin took over the entirety of his face and occasionally he’d nod his head to the beat pr start singing along to the words. Hi slips mouthing and lip syncing to the rockstars in stage. After the gig we’d laughed all night and come back to my house. 

We’d laid awake whispering in my bed about little things, naughty things and loving things. We’d giggled our way through the drama at school and lowered ourselves into deeper conversations, melting our heads into the topics of death and life which was very much depressing but something that really connects you to someone. And the only thing I really wanted was to connect to Miles. This is where the anxiety started.

I wanted to connect to Miles, and in the morning when I woke up I realised I wanted to connect with Miles in a whole different way. My body was tense and rigid at the realisation that I was hard. I mean morning wood was naturally a thibg t=but when your mate/ crush is next to you it’s a little bit… terrifying. 

I managed to slip away but before i got out the door I heard Miles call out to me “Glad your so happy to see eme” The cheek in his voice announcing to me that he knew I was hard. 

-  
Further on along the year we went to another gig, I mean we went to a few but this one was just me and him.

I pulled him into the crowd by his hand, wanting to keep him close and from then on we kept holding hands, always finding an excuse to intertwine our fingers.

-

I was lying down on Miles’ legs while he scrolled on his phone one day, when suddenly i heard an intake of breath and shuddering sensation. As I looked up at Miles the usually strong men appeared to be biting his lip hard, not seductively but worriedly trying to hold back giant waves of sobs. His eyes were welled up with water and it only took me sitting up and pulling him into a hug for the water to flood down his cheeks. A heart wrenching gasp and struggle met my ears as Miles cried out. I kept holding him tight my fingers tangling in the cotton of his shirt. My mind racing with reasons of his discomposure, 

I pulled back eventually when the tidal waves and hurricane of a crying session began to meld away, “What wrong love?” I asked only to be met with a fresh bout and hurdle of tears that dripped slowly down his long thin nose and and rosy cheeks. “Oh god” He said and for a minute I was stuck in a world of the unknown. I was never someone to be of comfort but this was Miles and it was different.  
“Tell me whats wrong Mi?”  
“I’m just so worried about uni, i’m being stupid” He chokes out as he admits defeat against the harsh reality of the future  
“There's nothing wrong being stressed about the future and 6th form, It’s terrifying.” I said once again pulling him into a hug, kissing his neck and moving my hand against his back gently trying to comfort him. We stopped speaking, usually words were both of our strong points but at this point we were just so wrapped up in each other that the contact was what counted. As I held him tightly, his breath evened out and he fell asleep against me. 

When he woke up after a while, I’d leant us back still wrapped up in each other but now our faces were inches apart and I was watching him hoping that the pressure wouldn’t make him crack again. He was strong and built, and I know we all must have our letdowns sometimes, but seeing him so weak and vulnerable scared me. 

When his eyes had fluttered open my hand was quick to rest on his cheek, wiping away the residue of the broken mans tears. “Sorry” he let out his voice cracking from crying. “I’m more sorry, you should've said you were stressed Mi” “Sorry” He said letting his eyelids slowly fall once again. 

\--

Since the stress of Uni’s was getting to Miles, I made it my mission to stop his stress or at least defuse it. I organised open days for him and booked tickets for trains and busses. I told him to pack his bag and took him out. Surprised my parents let me and him go off wherever around England but me a 16 year old and MIles now 17, wondered around towns and uni’s trying to figure out where to go. It gave me experience too so it wasn’t all lost weekends as people presumed.

In reality I loved those weekends. It was boxed off days and nights with Miles, we never got sick of each other even after all the sleepovers we had on the night after our day adventures. 

On one particular day we looked around Nottingham Uni in the morning then wandered around the town all afternoon, we walked around the shops trying on stupid things and fucking around. It was just a really fun afternoon, nothing particularly stands out but it was nice to just hang out with when he wasn’t stressed. Our friendship began to start getting strained after my next birthday so it was like the summer before the storm. The memories of that summer kept me going in the cold months of the next year which was lonesome without Miles.

Both me and Miles brought clothes that day, we even brought matching ties for some dumb reason. I had seen them amongst the shelves in T.K MAXX and had instantly tried one on with a goofy face, dramatically turning to show Miles the ridiculous tie that was covered in small patterned bananas. The were 2 of them each for £5 as clearly no one had wanted them. We brought them giggling to ourselves, planning that we had to both wear them at any fancy event that would be coming up. I was half hoping that it would end up being Miles’ prom. All of them were going to be going to a prom and because I was 2 years below them I wouldn't be allowed. A little part of me hoped Miles would ask to go with him, even if it was just as a friend. 

He sort of did ask me in the end but not really. We were all hanging out: me, Jamie, Miles, Matt, Nick, George and some others. They were discussing who they were bringing to prom, Jamie had convinced his ex girlfriend to let him take her, and both Matt and George had girlfriends now, It left Miles and Nick without dates although Nick had admitted he liked a girl.

“Just go up to her and ask Nick” complained Matt who had been trying to convince Nick to grow some balls and do it. But Nick kept shaking his head to nervous to do anything. Jamie who decided that he agreed with Matt grabbed Nick's phone straight out his hands while shouting “Hold him back” to everyone else. Instantly both Miles and George latched onto Nick's arm holding him down. After a few seconds Nick broke free only to have Matt tackle him to the floor while Nick screamed out telling Jamie “not to do anything.”

Jamie was struggling to unlock Nick's phone a couple of meters away from the commotion. Me being quiet and small I managed to always catch people's phone passwords since they didn’t realise I was watching. I laughed loudly shouting his code out to my brother between gasps of air, Jamie cheered eventually breaking into Nick's phone who was still struggling with all 3 other boys stacked on top of him keeping him down.

“Please don’t Jamie” Nick whined but my brother continued. 

“I need to ask you something, meet me? Xxx” Read out Jamie before he hit the send button. Matt, George and Miles all let Nick up who was now fuming especially as Jamie winked and then through him his phone. At the moment Nick stood up and shouted at Jamie telling him he was gonna get him as he started chasing him around the park we were sat in. As all of us sobered up from laughing and smiling someone asked Miles who he was gonna take. Miles simply raised an eyebrow and laughed nervously unsure of how to answer. “Do you like someone?” George asked cutting Miles’ silence. Miles shook his head although no one was convinced. My little heart did break slightly although I hadn’t expected Miles’ to like me. Suddenly someone interrupted my thoughts with a confusing question and said “Why don't you take your boyfriend?” 

Everyone looked up at Matt confused as to who Miles’ boyfriend was. Matt rolled his eyes “Al...since he can’t come” Everyone laughed as we had thought he'd been serious, I was happy to see Miles’ hadn’t got a secret boyfriend but now was nervous as I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to act about this revelation. Miles turned to me and told me “I forget you aren’t in out year. Of course you can be my date, wouldn’t want you to be left out love” He said in a soft voice and although iI felt a bit like a pity date, I was sure as hell happy I was going and that I was going with Miles.

\--

Prom was simple and sweet, we had pre drinks and then drank from flasks we hid, we danced and laughed like lunatics. I was wearing a black suit with slacks and that ridiculous tie we brought. Miles was wearing yellow trousers with a black suit and the same tie. When we were picked up, as we were all going in a limo, MIles actually came to the door and told me i looked lovely. It was a nice moment he had leant in close and whispered in my ear. As if it was a private joke between us although I could the sincerity in his voice. I’d told him he cleaned up well and that the yellow pants were something no one else could pull off. 

ANd it was true he really was the only person who would it off so much so he was voted prom king for having such an outrageous outfit. I can’t even pretend to hide the tinge of jealousy i had when he had to dance with the prom queen, it was slow and soft and everyone watched laughing as miles blushed with embarrassment. 

He hadn’t been expecting him to win, none of us had even though i thought he looked dashing we weren’t exactly the epitome of cool and were all surprised when his name had been announced as we all took swigs from Matts flask. Miles had choked when he heard his name and as he danced he stumbled slightly from his drunken shock at what was happening. His speech was hilarious though basically confessing his undying love for the beatles. Nothing to do with jim winning he just told everyone that he thought they were great and we should listen to them. 

When MIles’ stumbled to me after the teacher told him off for drinking after he’d nearly fallen into his math teacher as he attempted to run away from the prom queen. I shook my head at him laughing at him being such an idiot. When we were leaving at 1 o'clock, it was to say, we were all blindly smashed. The limo was waiting outside and i was dragging Miles by the sleeve of his jacket as he stumbled behind me. “Al, need loo.” He choked out between his giant grin. I clicked my tongue at him in fake annoyance telling the others to go ahead as i helped Mi to the loo. 

As we got the toilet i let go of Miles but he stumbled forward tripping into the stall door. “Jesus Mi” I scoffed at him. “I’m going to have to fuckin help you aren’t I” MIles nodded guiltily staring at his hands. “Come on then” i say holding his shoulder and pulling him into the stall. “You can undo your own trousers” I say hoping he actually can. But as i was fearing Miles struggles, the belt of his pants not undoing with his fumbling hands. “You’re an actual idiot Mi” I groan hoping this wouldn't affect him when we were sober. I stepped forward and apologized to him adding “Don’t hate me in the morning”. With my slightly fuzzy head I start undoing his belt. I can’t help but catch his gaze when i’ve finished undoing the leather, I let my hands wander and undo the top button of his pants before letting my hand fall and unzip his trousers with half lidded eyes. 

After a couple of seconds of hesitation i’m leaning forward slightly and I hope that it wasn’t my imagination when i say he was too however i can’t let this happen. My first kiss, my first kiss with him can’t be drunk off our asses with his trousers undone in a bathroom stall at 1am while his nearly pissing himself. I step back coughing slightly alerting him back to attention. He coughs too letting his eyes drag over me before he nods his head and coughs again. I step back and let Miles get closer to the toilet. He stumbles holding his hand out to catch him on the back of the toilet. “Al, could ya?” He asks in a nervous small voice. Knowing he needs his balance i regretfully hold his shoulders while closing my eyes. I let my forehead fall onto his back and say “Well this is certainly an experience” He chuckles at my statement. 

\--

It’s safe to say like most things me and Mi go through, it only brought us closer together, now the wall of embarrassment at being too drunk had indeed been crossed and we were always looking out for each others drunken selves not letting anyone see the red blushed memories of our tipsy nights.  
Speaking of drunken nights and looking after each other brings up the halloween that followed. This time me being the embarrassed one. Lets just say i drank far too much and by 3am Miles was trying to drag me back to his to look after me. I was clutching onto a half drank bottle of Glens vodka with a whiskey and coke in the hand. I was laughing giddily and something Matt said as Miles looked me in the eyes and condescendingly spoke to me telling me not to drink anymore. 

I frowned and pouted like a baby being a brat as Miles attempted to look after me, “But Miiiiiiii” I whined as I took another sip of the vodka bottle keeping full eye contact with him and then winking as I pulled the bottle out my mouth. “You’ll regret it” Miles warned. Not wanting to annoy the boy I nodded half agreeing with my fingers crossed behind my back. “Okay” I shouted back to him as i wandered off into the living room to dance. “One more hour” he called back. And what an eventful hour it was. 

When Miles next came to find me I was bent over the kitchen sink nearly falling asleep. I hadn’t vomited yet but i sure felt like I was going too. “Me mums gonna kill me.” I slurred out to Mi as he wrapped his arm round me. “You’re coming to mine, ye git.” He replied while shifting my weight to him so that he could half carry me as we walked. Not even half way down the driveway of the house of the party I vomited. Letting it dribble down my face drunkenly., “I would laugh but i can’t really, not after prom.” Miles told me as he reached round my back and took the cape of my dracula halloween costume, using it to wipe at the mess around my mouth. 

“You’re one true hottie Al” 

When I woke up in the morning i was wrapped up in blankets with Miles next to me, we were holding hands beneath the blanket which made me blush as soon as I realised. Feeling nauseous I closed my eyes again and faded back into slumber. When I woke again Miles was not next to me but instead shaking my shoulder to wake me up while offering a plethora of items on a tray. “You're my hero Mi” I said in a croaky voice before grabbing the glass of water and chugging the entirety of it and then grabbing the cup of hot tea and taking some paracetamol with it. 

“You need to eat” he told me knowing that I didn't want to, not with this beating nausea but I did as he said and took a bite of his perfectly made toast. Whenever I stayed at miles’ he made me tea and toast and it was by far my favourite thing. He made it perfectly and I highly praised him on it although maybe with a joking tone. I don’t think he really understood how much the simple gesture meant to me, i don’t think I knew until the months after my birthday. Especially the day after my birthday when i woke up and he didn’t make me toast and tea.


	3. "Cinema?"

At first glance i wasn’t sure if he knew who I was, but underneath the soden hood of my black and white hoodie, lay my dripping face and damp long brown hair. It was a couple days after christmas and I was carrying my guitar in its black case and a backpack full of vinyls. I’d once again teamed up with our families and gotten them to buy Miles a guitar or his birthday, a replica of his gift to me last year. When I’d spoken to him later I’d given him some plectrums with a kiss on his cheeks telling him that we could now jam together properly since his guitar was way too battered to play anything worth playing.   
-  
I once again pulled Miles’ arm, my eyes drooping as i looked down on him beneath me on the creme stairs. I laughed heartily as he spoke in soft whispers, telling me I was an idiot. He gripped the neck of his new guitar as we bounded across the halls to my room. I fell onto the ripped up sofa in my room and cranked open the window before speaking quietly. “Bet you wanna smoke?” I said knowing he won’t of smoked all day, he nodded silently whilst pulling out the dodgy box of cigarettes which had sections ripped out, bits of which had been used as roaches in joints. 

He sat next to the window and I piled on next to him, my legs swinging round over his lap and cuddling into his side. “You're awfully cuddly today” MIles whispered into my head as i nestled into his shoulder, his soft breath leaning onto my scalp making me feel at home. “It’s Christmas Mi!” I say almost offended that he could be such a humbug on Christmas day. He only laughed at me then. He pulled in a breath of his cigarette and i watched as the tendrils of smoke collapsed its way through his lungs and back out his mouth again. “Oi be careful, my room will smell of smoke” I tell him sighing at the partial parts of gas that have probably floated to the ceiling of my room. 

“Do you want ye’ present?” I say in a stern voice, after he pulls in another breath of cigarettes and then proceeds to blow it all over me. He nods like a naughty schoolboy before pressing out the cigarette on the side of the wall outside my window. He discards the butt then pulls me into a hug and moving his leg around me. I’m sat between his legs as he wraps his arms around me and cradles his head over my shoulder. I Hand him a wrapped up package. It spent mIles no longer than 3 seconds to open the package and giggle at me, kissing along my back and neck, his voice bursting out and thanking me. “We can actually jam now” I tell him. He gasps and laughs agreeing with me. “Shit yeah, we’ll be great” and then he asks me to play him something, “Ya know like i played you La Vie En Rose last Christmas.” 

“But you prepared that, I don’t know what to play?” I ask as a question instead of a statement, “Anything i just love your voice love.” He says in a hum. I grab his guitar which he’d discarded on the floor next to our feet. “This is some it’ i’ve been messin’ round’ wiv, it’s not very romantic though.” 

There's always somebody taller with more of a wit  
And he's equipped to enthrall her and her friends think he’s fit  
And you just can't measure up though, you don't have a prayer  
Wishing that you'd made the most of her when she was there

They've got engaged there's no intention of a wedding  
He's pinched your bird and he'd probably kick your head in

Bigger boys and stolen sweethearts   
Oh, you’re better off without her anyway  
You said you wasn't sad to see her go  
Yeah, but I know you were though

I play the last stroke of the chord from what will be a chorus and then shut my eyes. Miles’ arms find themselves wrapped around me as I breathe steadily unsure of what his reaction will be. “It’s great love, is that all you’ve written of it” I breathe out relaxing. It isn’t like he hasn’t heard me sing stuff before, and he has heard some of my lyrics/ poetry however it felt more intimate this time, wrapped up in each other. “The other bits n’ pieces but not a whole song yet” he counters me by saying “I’m sure it’ll be great love” He pulls me tighter in our embrace before laying a kiss on my shoulder and untwining himself from me. I let of a groan at his movements and he sarcastically tells me “Fine, if you don’t want your presents” “I’d rather you” I’d told him back loving the blush that had splayed across him. The redness highlighted his freckles that dotted along his face. You couldn’t always see them but up close and personal, as I always am I could map them. 

Miles hands me a pink envelope which reveals a card which crudely splays the words “Merry Fucking Christmas!!!” I giggle at him pulling him close again, not liking the lack of contact, “Stop being so needy, and open your present, ya’ loser” He tells me although he continues to nuzzle his face into my shoulder, loving the attention. 

The card reveals a ticket. The irony being me and Miles had just swapped presents from a previous year. However the tickets were to see my favourite poet: John Cooper Clarke. “Oh My God, Mi, how did you get these.” “I know a friend at the venue” He says winking cheekily at me. “Because of that I got them virtually free so I brought you something else.” He continues. My mouth drops at him, “bUt this is so much Mi.” He passes me a bag with hedgehogs on it, clearly made for a child however when i look inside, 5 vinyls sit wrapped in cellophane. “I love you Al” He says and I hate to be a sap but I started crying. MIles obviously asked me why and I just hugged him tight telling him I loved him too and he was by far my favorite person on this earth. 

-  
So here I am drenched a couple days after Christmas with my guitar and my vinyls, i knock on the door briskly ready to get out the rain. When Mi opens the door it takes him 10 solid seconds to realise it’s me or to at least let me in. I laugh at him pretending to be offended at his silliness. We tread upstairs to reveal his room.

I love Miles’ room, I’d helped painting it in at the start of the year. The room was a pastel pink with dark grey accents, He had a black fake leather sofa that we’d dragged from down the road. A charity shop was selling it and when we’d seen it we thought it was perfect besides the little tatters it held. We loved it. It's taken us probably an hour or two to get it into Miles’ room and then another hour to move everything so we could put it by the window. We spent ages every time I came round sat on that sofa. Miles liked it there so he could smoke which prompted me to get a smaller sofa it my room. Although my sofa was more like a big soft chair, it did it;d purpose it just meant i had to snuggle up with Mi on it and that wasn’t exactly an issue. 

Miles had also copied me and strung up fairy lights although his hung above his Vinyl player and speakers. The lights get reflected on the plastic of the hardware and light up the room delicately when you listen to the albums, the atmosphere is brightening. Our favourite was listening to The Smiths – ‘Hatful Of Hollow’, It was kind of funny because it hadn’t actually been Miles to give me that record but in fact my driving instructor. However I loved the many vinyls me and Miles shared between us, We’d sit just the two of us with me cuddled up in Miles’ lap, him smoking, listening to music. We fell asleep there far too much.   
-

This is where the heartbreak lies, the horrificacy finally caught up and me and Miles fell out. It was stupid, ridiculous and neither of us told anyone but one day it all went quiet. It was my 16th birthday which meant everyone was laughing and joking around about me finally being legal but I guess it meant more to Mi than it did to me at the time, I’d never even been kissed which I told everyone wholeheartedly. 

We’d all gone out to the cinema and then gone to the pub, it was fun but eventually everyone left besides me, Mi and Jamie. Maybe that was when Jamie caught on because he excused himself saying he wanted to go home, which left me and Miles huddled up in the bench outside the pub. We ordered a fresh mug of hot chocolate for us to share as it was january however we liked the privacy of sitting outside of Spoons’ instead of inside, the old drunken men that lined the walls of the place made it less of a secrecy between us. 

“I’m telling you, you're gonna be fine ya git” I tell Miles who was telling me about Uni’s again. “What if I’m not.” Miles says before shaking his “Sorry it’s your fucking birthday.” I frown looking at him however he continues to stare at the table, I take my hand and pull his face towards me, “Mi it could be any day, you’re more important” Miles eyes water and then something i didn’t expect happens. His eyes drop down to my lips “let me give you another present Al.” He pulls me into a smouldering kiss. When we pull back our pupils are dilated and i’m itching to continue. Mi’s forehead falls onto mine and he tells me my present was a first kiss. This confused me as i wasn’t sure if he meant to kiss me romantically or just as a present. I presumed the must of been a little feeling just because of how we act and what's previously happened but I couldn’t be too sure. 

We continued to act normally without bringing up the kiss, cliche i know but what do you expect from two teenage boys. As you can see the kiss didn’t really break us apart. Nothing dramatic happened but it’s like we lost each other. I guess Mi got super busy with a levels and Uni because Jamie did too, everyone did, it felt like I lost all my friends again but this time it was worse because Miles wasn’t there but I’d tasted the sweetness of his friendship and now I was starving. 

My parent's noticed that I didn’t meet up with Miles much but didn’t really do anything, he was studying and so was Jamie, I expect they didn’t hear me at night when I was crying. My anxiety started to pick up again, the feeling of abandonment fuelling me and I stopped wanting to go to school despite the fact my GCSE’s were in 5-6 months. I instead studied at home mostly skipping out on going to school. It’s silly really because if i’d gone to school i would of seen a bit more of Mi and the others during lunch but i guess sadness doesn’t really make proportional sense. 

Whenever I did hang out with Miles, which was far less, it felt awkward and strained. When we went to see the poet he’d gotten me tickets for, I cried and it wasn’t over the poetry, it was over him as James Cooper Clarke read out his poem “I want to be yours.” It got to the point of total avoidance on both of our parts and no one questioned it. My vinyls collected dust as i didn't have a record player and i could no longer participate in listening to them without cuddling up to Miles. I was broken hearted. 

So when March came round I buckled up my courage and told myself I’d speak to him. I missed the poor boy far too much. I missed him and his cuddles. 

Suprise! Surprise! We went to the pub, a beautiful tradition beyond us. When me and Jamie got there all the boys looked up. No one had said anything but they all knew there was tension between Me and Miles therefore a space was left for me at the end of the bench so we wouldn’t all have to sit and pretend something wasn’t going on. Jamie looked at me raising an eyebrow making sure I was okay with this arrangement however I nodded at him before completely ignoring the seat and walking round to Mi. I told Matt to move over before sitting myself next to Miles on the wooden Spoon’s bench. He look at me and smiled which made me grin up at him as well. I grabbed his arm and cuddled it in my lap, leaning on his shoulder and whispered “ Happy Birthday Mi”.

-  
Now that Mi and the others are all 18, all they want to do is club which is unfortunate for me because I’m not 18. However after some advice from other friends and an afternoon of Mi picking my outfit we decide to hit the town and try and get me in. Somehow it miraculously works and we end up in a club called Propaganda. 

Miles leans over to me “Wanna drink?” he asks so I nod and tell him to surprise me with a substance. Everyone else is dancing but I feel far to awkward to go and find them so I just end up standing in this crowded sticky club by myself for at least half an hour before I get the guts to try and find Miles. I couldn’t believe my eyes when i saw him. His face was crammed up against this girl, whispering little nothings into her ears as she raked her hand over his chest. I know I had no claim on him and i’m partially hoping that the has been a misunderstanding,we never did talk about the kiss. And it was a woman and obviously Mi had told me he was gay but maybe he was experimenting or decided he wasn’t only attracted to men. Maybe he’s just fucking around however I don’t want to get my hopes up for them to come crashing down.

And I feel like they're crashing down now. 

I’d tried to get back to our regular friendship however after 2 months of radio silence it was still a little tense. It felt more tense now, like an elastic band that was slowly getting pulled taughter and taughter until eventually I was going to snap. Worrying myself that i sounded a little psychotic I decide to just try and sit down at the opposite side of the bar and then if I don’t cheer up I’d leave in half an hour. 

It didn’t get much worse than that, but my mind was left damper. I was sodden with sadness, when Jamie plodded over, heavy footed from drinking, his hand slugged its way around my back. He pulled me close and drunkenly asked me what was wrong, the scent of beer stinging my nose as it wafted from his body. I wrinkled my nose at him, shaking my head. Jamie then realised how disheartened I was and that my solidarity hadn’t just been my anxiety about being under age. “Wanna go ome’?” he asked but I frantically shook my head not wanting to ruin his evening as well as my own. He looked at me once again, his eyes scanning along my blotchy skin and creases, he shook his head and smirked. “Come on’ we’re leavin’” I had no fight in me.

I trailed behind him, he rested his arm on me, keeping me close knowing my anxiety was flared up particularly badly tonight. When he spoke to the others, I forced my eyes to rest on the sticky ground, letting myself imagine what sort of crap was all over the floor. I didn’t want to see the disappointment of the others so I chose to ignore them, I chose to ignore Miles. To be fair Mi might not of even been with them but I know that I am broken slightly because it feels like I am betraying Miles. The boy I thought I could never hurt  
-

It’s because of that betrayal that I am so surprised when Miles texts me. It’s late July, well into the summer holidays and I have done nothing amoung nothing. I’m sat profoundly on my sofa smoking a joint when a beeping bursts me out of my reverie. My hands shake in a shiver, despite the fact it’s July the late afternoon breeze still makes me shudder. My fingers unhinge from the pen I was holding to the notebook, which rests in my lap. My hands quickly grab the slick dark object from the ratty fabric. The screen illuminates like a firework and then i feel it, the blood finally begins to rush again. 

Me and Miles’ had barely spoken since June when school broke up. I knew people were getting concerned, I’d always been attached to the boys but all the sudden I stopped going out besides the last time we went to that club. I told them all that it’s because we were all studying for our exams but obviously since we’d done them now and we’re on holiday i couldn’t use that excuse. It was driving Jamie up the wall because I wouldn’t tell him the truth. I just couldn’t face Miles. But low and behold, on my screen a vague message lies.

“Cinema?” 

Something clicks. If Miles is making an upward effort then maybe he still wanted to be friends, it’s not like he’d ever said he didn’t but it got so awkward and tense and we stopped hanging out as much, it just felt like we fell apart and neither of us tried to fix it, I was far too scared. He hadn’t spoken to me at all since the club. I didn’t expect him to assume he’d done anything but I assumed since he hadn’t spoken to me at all that he’d abandoned our friendship. So if Mi was willing to try, so was I. Plus it’s at a cinema so it won’t be a conversational meet up, less opportunity for awkwardness. 

I reply easily and before I know it Miles is ringing the doorbell. I can here Jamie answering the door, a shuffle of sound and a muffled “Oh, hey Miles?” Jamie questions why Miles has turned up at 5pm on a Tuesday night unannounced. I look at myself one more time in the mirror, patting my hair down and then sort of scrunching it in my palm trying to find the perfect amount of volume. I shake my head at myself and roll my eyes before turning away and walking towards my door. As I open it Miles appears in front of me. 

“Hey” I let myself breathe out, really layering on the cliche-ness of the situation.   
“Hi” he says back, his lips curling up into a sad smile. I hate that I miss it so much. It’s then that I look over Miles’ shoulder and down the hall to where Jamie stands, a little knowing smirk crosses his face for a second but mostly it holds curiosity. “We’re goin’ out” I call to him as I step out from behind Miles. Jamie nods in respect to me before smiling widely, happy that I’m finally leaving the house. 

I walk at an average pace and I soon feel Miles’ hand slip into my palm, just like old times. He squeezes my hand, tosses me a wink and bumps our shoulders and it makes me feel like I’m finally at home. 

-  
When we get out of the movie it’s 9pm, the sky is still light and Miles smile is blinding. “Wanna eat someit’?” He asks me to which I gleefully nod, happy that even though we hadn’t each other in a good month and hadn’t gotten on for a good 6 months, everything felt it place and perfect. No awkwardness. 

We walked for a while, smoking and then we left the avid streets to go into a warm pub. We both ordered a carvery and then Miles ordered himself a beer and me a ‘Strongbow’. We spent a long time avoiding the topic of the last year, talking mainly about how we’d been, well, how he’d been, i didn’t mention or dare to bring up the fact that I had been skipping school and barely had a social life. The topic eventually moved into deeper waters, “Al how’ve you been?” 

My eyes grow wide not expecting such a simple question, I chuckle nervously watching Miles’ eyes scan over my fatigued body. “I’ve been fine” I say with a smile but Miles shakes his head a bit and my face eases and relaxes and then defends me again, I bite down on my lip as he calls me out and says to tell him the truth. “Why’ve you been skipping school? Jamie said you had to be persuaded to go in for your exams” and the only thing I can think to reply is. 

“Why is this the first time you’ve asked?” 

Miles looks down embarrassed. “I’ve been a shit friend” He sighs exhaling loudly in sadness as he wallows, “I’ve been a shit friend and I ate’ myself for it but that doesn’t mean you can just stop living properly without me’ guidance.” He says smiling through glassy eyes, trying to lighten the mood. I rub my eye with the palm of my hand, a nervous tick. “I know, joost been a mess lately” Miles stands up from his side of the booth and waddles to my side. He slides next to me and pulls me into a hug. “I love you Al. Y’know?” 

“I love you too Mi” My voice cracks as I say it, pulling him tighter against me. We stay in that position, re gluing ourselves to each other, I start chuckling after a while. “What you laughin’ at?” He asks pulling back and looking at me. “ When I was younger, I think it was like Year 7 and 8.” I pause embarrassed, unsure of why I brought it up. But Miles urges me to carry on so I continue. “I thought that you like, pitied me and that is the only reason you were my friend. And I thought that when you used to come and talk to me it was just cos’ I was a loner kid and you felt bad but you're my best friend and I guess as much as I love you, I always joost fought’ you were cooler than me.” I say smiling widely not wanting to start crying if I made an emotional ending to the story. But in reality we both knew what I was getting at, a plethora of things.   
The fact that I was thankful for him, he made my teenage years a hell of a lot better than they would of been, bless him for pitying me and then forming a friendship with me. The other thing was evident, I thought he was better than me and that in no way did I deserve him,but he made me better. My medicine. I also could’ve been hinting at my want for him, but if I was neither of us noticed it, too endorsed in the forgiveness of each other to be mesmerised by anything other than simple friendship. 

“Maybe I did pity you, you were a sweet shy adorable boy, but I wanted to be your friend and I grew to love you”


	4. Finally

Christmas swings round again and this time the scene is laid in the kitchen. Me and Mi are sat around the old wooden school table that my parents keep for food preparation. I look across the table to see Miles mindlessly munching on the mince pies that my mum had gotten out for us. I smile, myself too, lost in it mindlessly. 

“Let’s bake someit’” Miles suddenly proclaims. I pull a face at him, neither of us were big bakers and neither of us had really baked together before even though we’d been friends for so long. Despite Miles sometimes helping cook dinner and occasionally we made pizza, we’d never baked a cake or anything. If we were baking it was usually another kind. 

“What do you have in mind?” I ask the lanky boy who sits happily across from me. “Christmas cake Al, it’s Christmas.”   
“Yea I know Mi” I whine at his excitement. He’d always been one to ride the hype of the winter celebration whereas although I enjoyed Christmas I wasn’t quite as enthusiastic as Mi. No one was. “Google a recipe then ya dickhead” I say after Miles stares up at me and doesn’t continue doing anything after a couple seconds. 

“Nah does ya mum not have a recipe. The ol’ Turner recipe.” I think back to all the old Christmas’s trying to remember if mum had ever cooked her own cake. “I don’t think my mum ever really baked Mi, I’ll ask her though.” He nods at me as I walk towards the door of the kitchen. I holla out the doorway “Muuuuuuuuum” in a whiny tone. I hear a small utter of her voice somewhere on the second floor of the house, I call again but with no luck, Mi eventually throws a satsuma from the fruit bowl at me “Oi just go upstairs ya lazy git.” I roll my eyes at him before trudging out the door and up the stairs. “Muuuuuuum” I whine again, “What? Alexander!” She exclaims in frustration at me, when I eventually bump into her in her room. I smile sheepishly, dragging my hand to the back of my head I shake my hair nervously before I ask “Do we have a Christmas cake recipe, we want to bake a cake?” 

She throws her head back in slight laughter before uttering “Of course you do” before stopping in hesitation to think. She ponders for a couple second before her mouth opens in exclamation “Yes your nans old recipe.” “Sick, where?”   
“Don’t use that terrible slang Alex, It’ll be a piece of paper slotted next to a recipe book on christmas food, on the bookshelf in the kitchen” My mum answers her teacher tone coming out to play when she tells me off for using slang. I plod back down into the kitchen, “Hey Mi, should be one next to the christmas recipe book!” I yell through the hallway into the kitchen. 

As I walk through the doorway Mi appears to be staring down at a tired piece of paper, “You mean this one?” He says in a disinterested tone as he continues to read the recipe. “You found that fast” I tell him furrowing my brow in confusion. “Actually I just looked at the recipe books when you were upstairs and found it, made sense to look in the massive christmas recipe book” 

“Alright smartass”   
“I was just using my brain, I know that's hard for you” Miles says condescending as he ruffles my hair with the tips of his rough fingers.   
“Dickhead.” I remark, before pulling the book towards me so I can look at the ingredients. We spent the afternoon attempting to make the cake, in the end it tasted nice but looked a bit shit. We’d made the icing to liquidly and hadn’t bothered fixing it, and so as we slathered over the moist cake, it dripped and spread too thin.

Miles turns to me icing covering his hands, eyebrows raised as he bit his lip boyishly and lightly slapped his sticky hand over my face. “Mi!” I let out exasperatedly before bringing my hands up and sliding them both down his cheeks. We both continued laughing childishly as we chased each other round the kitchen trying to coat each other in the sugary substance. 

“BOYS!” My mam’ shouts from the kitchen doorway, “you better be planning on cleaning this up” She tells us in a her teacher tone. We look around the room, realising how much mess we’ve made, “Shit” Miles exclaims under his breath, although not quite quiet enough. I give him a bland look, unimpressed, my mum the same before giving a sharp glare. “Sorry Penny” Miles says quietly, making my mum nod and turn away before walking back upstairs. 

I shake my head at Miles but as soon as we hear my mums footsteps upstairs, we burst into a bout of laughter. “You idiot” I collapse against the chair giggling at him.   
He grins at me and strides towards me, his face snuggling into the crook of my neck as a red haze glows on his skin. I can feel his breath on my neck, which instantly makes me light up just as he has.   
-  
A couple weeks later and snow was falling thick and fast, across the northern UK, Miles’ house was silent of movement besides the ruckus of two small boys, making some hot chocolate. Miles’ parents were in the Wirral visiting their parents, Miles had wrangled out of going to see family with the excuse of his saturday job and revision for exams. 

“Al you wan’ a bicky?” asks Miles, the brown haired boy asked the other as he ripped open a new packet of chocolate digestives, “You’re such a kid” I remark yet still make to grab one of the chocolate coated biscuits, ready to dip into my mug of hot liquid. “Like you can talk!” Miles shouts back at me, grinning wildly as he hesitantly goes to take a bite of his dripping snack. 

“Wanna Vinyl and smoke?” Mi asks his me, as he licks his lips. My eyes drop, and weigh lighty on the sight, being high let me feel as if Miles may not be paying full attention to my antics, which are mainly just me staring at him. “It’ll be cold if we smoke out tha’ window” I whine back at the boys question, reluctant to let the winter's chill hit me again. It’s the 23rd of December and i couldn’t dream of having a better Christmas. 

“It’ll only be for a second love, then we can snuggle” He says with a cheeky wink, I smile back at him, rolling my eyes, “we best get on then” 

We lean on the paint chipped window sill in Miles' bedroom, small burn marks scatter the area from over the past years where we’ve repeated the same tell tale action of leaning into each other as we smoked. Laughter bubbling in our chests causing us to jostle and move, leaving ash marks in our wake. 

“You excited for your present?” I say as I elbow Miles lightly, “I never am more excited for anyone’s present” He tells me, the twinkle in his eye reflecting the seriousness of his answer. “Good” I whisper letting our happiness hang heavy in air, letting it fall around us like the smoke from the joint. Miles raises his arm and wraps it around me, angling himself sideways so that we’re stood half cuddling as he smokes. After awhile I bump his hip with mine, notifying my want for the joint. He holds up the tightly wrapped narcotic and presses it to my lips, letting me inhale a long drag. I can feel the trembling of his fingertips long before I open my eyes to see it, unsure on whether it was the cold or the sudden air of tension that filled the space. 

Soon after we found ourselves molded to the sofa, cuddled into each other, the hot haze of the high, melting around us as we watched ‘Only Fools and Horses’. Mi’s hand snuck under the back of my sweater, causing me to breathe in deeply, his finger tips drew soft circles on my back, forcing me to concentrate on the intense feeling of skin on skin instead of the comedy. 

His hand grew more adventurous as his arm snaked round my back, and grabbed my side strongly but lovingly, pinching my skin between his fingers and tugging lightly, my breath catches and a small yet audible whimper leaves my throat. The noise causes Miles to look from the screen and right into my eyes as he continues to massage my lower side, pinching again, I gasp as he watches me squirm. After a couple of long seconds he pulls me into lap.

His eyes are darkened but he looks up from his lashes, his pupils follow my fast breathing throat. The movement causing him to lean forwards and lightly bite at the sensitive skin there. Both hands now beneath my sweater, his thumbs dipping underneath the waistline of my jeans as he pulls at the skin on my hips. 

When his tongue begins top trace patterns on my neck I find myself letting out a gasp that ends in a delicate moan. I clear my throat immediately after, stopping my movement of trying to relieve some pressure in my now too tight jeans, which i hadn’t even realised i’d been doing. “Presents! Uhh- Yeah Presents, Do you want your presents?” I say under one breath. 

Miles looks a mixture of surprised and slightly disappointed, but a knowing look crosses his features before he replies telling me he’d love to do Christmas presents now. 

I stand up tall from sitting on the sofa, a wave of dizziness passing over my hazy head as I begin to walk, I take a couple of steps in order to grab the large and decently heavy box. On the date of the cinema, in the late hours of the morning, Miles had confided the still nervous insurance that Uni still presented itself to him. The nerves of him being out of his depth on the course he’d chosen. 

“If only i had a laptop, and probably a calendar, It’d help with the organisation n’ that, Instead of using that daft old thing of ma’ dads.” 

Hearing that, I’d instantly noted it down. The box was covered in red wrapping paper, small santas decorating the package. I steadily walked back to the torn up sofa that Miles was still perched on. I instantly wanted to curl up again in Miles’ lap but knew better than to let that happen, I sat down on the sofa next to him but let our knees collide. I hold up the box.

“Go on then Mi” I smile softly. 

His mouth tilts upwards and lights fill his eyes, as the grin overtakes his face, soft giggles falling from him as the narcotics work his system. He takes the present before slumping back into the back of the sofa. He begins to pull at the edges of the square present. 

“You not gonna guess?” I ask him in response to him opening it. “Too excited” He says with a grin which causes a fit of laughter to form. He finally pulls the wrapping paper away to reveal the brand new shiny laptop. 

“Oh Al” He lets out in a breath of air before beginning to open up the box, trying to play with his new toy. 

“You mentioned wanting one when we spent all night in that cafe” I told him as he continues to try and open the box, his nails scrabbling against the sellotaped ends. 

“You remembered that?” He asked in a wondrous voice, a shake in his soul begins to occur when he realizes just how much I care. He puts the box down and hesitates for a second. 

“What Mi?” He then reaches over and pulls me onto his lap again. Holding his hands around my body as he tugs me closer. Hugging me tightly as he pulls his face into the crook of my neck and breathes silently. “Love you Ally” I chuckle at the nickname I’d hate from anyone else.   
“Now your present!” He says as he claps once signaling the end of his sudden emotional rush. 

“It’s the blue box on the floor over there” I scamper up and follow his eyeline to the box on the table. When i pick it up and walk back over to Miles, unsure of where to sit until he grabs me and pulls me onto his lap.

I smile a little and look up at him, my hair falling into my face. I pull the box up onto my lap and begin to unwrap the gift. 

“Ya not gonna guess?” Miles says imitating my Sheffield accent. 

“Shush, too excited” I reply also imitating him. Opening the box on my lap reveals, a yellow suit, jacket and trousers with a bolo tie sat neatly on top.

“Matches my one from prom.” Miles says, a smirk hanging off of his lips. 

\--

When I turn 17, the saturday after we decide to go to another club, I brandish the ID of one of Matt's friends. And am pulling on the cuffs of my shirt as I stand idly in front of the mirror in my bathroom. 

I hear a ringing over the curve of my music. As I adventure out of the bathroom and into my messy room, I see my phone vibrating on the table with Matt’s name appearing. 

“Ye’llo” I say answering the call, “Al, Jamie weren’t answering but both of you’s get your arses’ to my house, change of plans.” and then abruptly ends the call. I roll my eyes at Matts frantic attempt at a phone call. I lower the music from my speakers and call my brother. 

“Jamie!!” 

“What?” he shouts back. 

“Change of plans, we’re heading to Matts instead.” 

“Cool, i’m ready you?” 

“Both of you shut up and stop shouting!” Mam shouts from the living room. “Hypocrite” I whisper under my breath. 

I grab my phone from my desk and walk out the walls of my bedroom, down the hallway to Jamie’s room. “Yo” I say as I knock loudly on the door. He opens it a couple seconds after with a questioning look on his face, “Why’re we going Matts?” 

I simply shrug at my brother and begin the descent to the front door. When we get to Matt’s house, everyone is already there with the exception of Nick. Miles hovers by the door as he waits for me to take of my shoes and Jamie starts speaking as he walks into the lounge “What’s happenin’ then?” 

Matt grins, a wide smile taking over his features as he practically shouts “Me’ sisters pregnant, I’m going to have a little niece!” As everyone starts celebrating in the other room, I look in shock at Miles and grin, both of us happy for Matt and his family. Miles pulls me in for a hug as i drop my coat on the floor next to my slightly muddy shoes. 

He starts to pull me down the corridor gripping my hand until we enter the lounge where he pulls Matt into a hug. “Congrats” he whispers to him. I repeat the actions and the doorbell goes off. The ringing hits everyone’s ears as they all go to tell Nick who is bombarded as he shrugs of his coat.

“Good Job I brought some beer then!” He cries when he finds out.   
-

We sit bundled up in blankets with beer, watching Jurassic Park. Matt’s sister and mum sit around with us for a while before retreating to bed, at just past midnight. “Don’t make too much noise” Matts mum tells us sternly but let a smile slip at the end. 

Jamie soon starts a silent popcorn fight by attacking Nick. He plunges forward and pours half a bowl of the snack down his shirt. Me and Mi are half sniggering trying to keep quiet as we watch the scene unfold. Nick rolls up his shoulders and lets his eyes speak for him. Amused yet annoyance rolls into one as grabs the hold of Jamie’s shirt and palms his face pushing him backwards. 

Jamie falls back with a thump, by this point me and Mi are cracking up but still trying to keep quiet, it’s only after the whole fiasco that we realise Matt himself has fallen asleep. Mi tells us that when he popped round earlier to drop off some papers, Matt bombarded him, they’d been telling the grandparents and all that faff so Matt was probably tired from socialising all day. Being responsible he told us we shan’t wake him up. 

Both Nick and Jamie shook their heads in childish sadness at the fact they could not be boyish and wake up their friend. However Mi stuck to his words and vowed he would get anyone back who woke Matt up. I simply clung to Miles’ arm while he spoke half sternly half jokinging to my brother and Nick. 

They both slunk down on the mattresses that had been laid out to sleep on. “Well If you’re going to spoil our fun, we’ll spoil yours, we’re having the mattresses you two get the sofa.” 

Neither of us cared much, cuddled up on the couch comfy in our own world, the film continued late into the evening, it had gone 2 at least when the screen finally flickered off. “Alright I’m sleepin’’” Said Nick. 

“Awh don’t leave me with my brother and his boyfriend” laughed Jamie tiredly prompting Mi to throw a cushion at his face, which Jamie batted away far too late. 

“Am getting some water” I said to Miles, shuffling up and stuffing my hands in my trackie bottoms. I walked into kitchen sluggish with comfortable tiredness, shaking my body a little i grabbed a glass off the side and filled it with water from the silver tap in the blue kitchen. I turned around and leant against the counter taking a sip of the water. As i did so I heard Miles scuffle into the kitchen. 

“Yo” i said to him questioningly as to why he’d followed me. 

“Your brothers already started snoring, god knows how.”   
“He stayed up all last night playing that new game he got at the weekend, mum wouldn’t stop shouting at him when he kept yawning all day” I say with a smile. 

Miles laughs at that, when I glance up he’s looking at me intently.

“What?” 

“I think I get it?” He says with a tilt of the head and an awkward sway of the hips.  
“Get what, tha’ mam was shoutin’? It was actually quite annoying, she was making a bloody racket.” I tell him with an arch of the brow.   
“No you div” he says with a pause before continuing “I mean why, oh for fucks sake” 

He takes a step forward, removing the glass of water from my now trembling hand. “I mean I know why nothings happened”   
I again raise my brow, cocking my head to the side, sort of outraged at his confidence but not knowing what to do other than make him say it. My mind racing for answers that aren't going to just tumble out in an awkward goop of words. 

“Oh?” I decide to continue with. “Well, how many beers have you had?” he asks kindly with a bite of his lip and a sip of my water.

“What do you mean, you know I only had one and you’ve had none, are you asking me if I’m drunk cos obviously I’m not”   
It’s Miles’ turn to stare back with a raised brow, I mirror him confused, until the penny drops. 

“Every time we’ve come close to touching...” he looks away and coughs with a slight chuckle “Inappropriately, you stop us, I’m guessing because we seem to never be sober. Like at prom or christmas, or the numerous other times.” 

“Like when we smoked a joint at the park and you definitely had a hard on” I say with a smirk.

“Or when we drank at Toby’s and you wouldn’t let go of my hand all night, and i pushed into the wall and wanted to snog the life out of you but you started tickling me” he adds.

“And then you pinned me down, and i wasn’t going to stop you that time, but Jamie started puking in T’s garden” 

“Or when sophie asked me to come round to help her, but you made me turn her down, and lie in bed all day, but you kept kissing my fucking cheeks and I was nervous so we smoked and then you stopped kissing me” 

“Yea sorry, that's on me” I admit with a laugh and a grin. “Yea so are you drunk? Or at least not sober?” he asks again. 

“I’m 100% sober” I say with a soft whisper. 

“Fuckin’ finally” He tells me as he leans in, gripping my hips with his hands almost aggressively but not enough to hurt. His lips are soft and sweet from the amount of times he’s been licking them over the course of the conversation, we both taste of the salty sweetness from the popcorn.

His fingers are dipping beneath the elastic waistband of my joggers, and my toes tingle in anticipation, my fingers are crawling up his neck and pulling the the hair that so often crowds his vision of me, pulling it with a tug, punishing it for hiding his eyes from me. The moan the crowds my mouth is so quickly echoed back, that I have to pull out and remind him to shush. He pulls away from me, gulping, the exhaustion falling from his face as dark eyes replace the soft sleepiness from his confession. 

His hands stop moving, pulling from my waist as he grabs my hand, entwining his fingers and pulling into the small toilet attached to the kitchen. “You’ve got to be quiet Al, promise me you’ll be quiet?” 

I nod following his lips with my eyes, leaning in almost falling forward into him. His hands trace back to my hips, this time diving deeper and circulating the rim of my boxers, the ones that are probably his because they hung a little on my hips. My eyes roll back as I let my body roll against his, friction burning up every fraction of my body. 

Quick as lightning, I’m stood in Matts tiny bathroom, with my boxers wrapped round my ankles, as Miles’ tight hand wraps around me, enveloping me in an unknown haze of lovely hot melting pleasure. His lips soon leave me only to be met again with the expanse of skin which is my pale chest. 

I hear the soft clatter of bones on tile, as his knees drop to the ground and his tongue inches lower. Fuck he’s so close i feel like I could taste his soul, or more like he could taste mine. 

Just as he’s about to actually taste me, I gulp and pause the moment “Mi?” 

“Yea” He says with an unsure look on his face. 

“Well I just, I’m sort of in love with you?” 

“Yea I love you too Al... I don’t just get on my knees for anyone” he adds with a chuckle. 

“Well that's a lie” i say a light laugh clouding my voice and then I’m moaning.   
-

Cuming down Miles’ throat, to be perfectly poetic was just fucking amazing.   
And I thought that by enabling this, It would sort of fix everything, and me and Mi would be a thing but that isn’t what Miles seems to have in mind. 

Not in a bad way though. 

I can tell from the look in Mi’s eyes that he’s waiting, he’s pushing, he wants me to fucking beg for him, he wants me to tell him just how much I want him. 

The flirting is kind of just next level, even Jamie keeps giving me uncomfortable looks after we all hang out, but I just keep laughing at him, because it’s just a game, It’s so ridiculously Miles that I can’t dare to dislike it. 

I know exactly what he wants and i refuse to relent, he may want me to beg but underneath he wants me to make him beg and submit to me. He’s too tall for his own health.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soz I've been gone for so long gang.


End file.
